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David
Hasselhoff's Big Career Move!
Dateline: Laguna Nigel, CA - 12/3107
by Marquand Dufey
Eating a disgusting burger on camera, acting a fool
as your daughter video tapes you and scolds you?
Oh! The things that celebs will do when
they‘re dropping off the publicity bench.
But, what is it? Everyone is jumping on the David
Hasselhoff band wagon. People love this guy! Why is
it? Is it his man-boobs that were caught on film?
His ability to drool during his drunkin’ blabbing?
The sexy crawl and how he poses while wasted?!
This is a quote from David after it happened:
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Two all-beef patties, special sauce,
lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a
sesame seeee...
errrrp...Beyuaaghhhk!
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"Unfortunately, I did have a brief relapse, but part
of recovery is relapse. Especially when there's a
three-hour Happy Hour at the White Swallow in
Westwood.
"Because of my honest and positive relationship with
my children - who were so concerned for my well-being
they stood by my side with a video camera -
there somehow was a tape made when I had a relapse that shows
me how I acted. I have seen the tape and I think I
can add it to my Acting reel and get a mumbling part
in the sequel to "Barfly.".
"I have learned from it, and I am back on my game
- tossing back flaming Schnapps shooters and bagging
every droopy Cougar who ever saw Baywatch. I
hope that someone else will learn from the tape,
such as Jerry Bruckheimer or that kid who did Clerks
before eating himself to death. I thank God for the
talent he gave me to portray a farting, vomiting,
Hindenburg of an ego-gasbag.
Did I
mention that they LOVE me in Germany? They are
people who understand powerful men. the need for
"room to grow" and their place in Destiny.
Really? You have involved your children in your
recovery? Positive relationship with your children?
This is positive? This is a strength for your
relationship with these soon to be mucked up
children? Oh, ya, David. I totally agree. When kids
see their father hammered and drooling, chomping sloppy
burgers (2 BK Stackers, A BK Big Fish, 2 orders
of Onion Rings and a Diet Coke!) at all hours of the night.
I'm sure that will
increase their respect for you.
Uh-huh. Yes, back on your game.
The concern from your children is this: “Shit, I
hope I didn’t look that bad last night when I
was drunk! You know, the camera puts 20 pounds on
you!”
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Hasselhoff is heavily
favored by 45 -55 year-old obese women to be the next creepy Burger King |
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Oh, and Hoff, in case your children haven’t told you
lately, you are hella old! Your sex appeal has already
dropped about 10 points. Now, with your wacky video
of 2007 (along with your hairy chest) through the
floor…
Sorry my friend, you’re never going to be sexy
again. The whole bathroom floor buffet, eating by the toilet
you you can binge and purge your way to another
bare-chested role - disgustipating and unforgettable.
Seriously, the Hoff’s PR move to use this drunken
stupor to his advantage (somehow linking drunk-video
with the Fabulous Paris Hilton's Sex Tape for that
quick flash of publicity) is simply amazing.
From
jogging on the beach, to squirming on the ground.
An amazing career advance.
Back to the ocean, you
devolving Schmuck.
Kisses for now,
Marquand...
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