ALIENS WALK AMONG US!

Plot uncovered to dominate the Earth and

YOU PROBABLY KNOW ONE OF THEM!

 

Dateline: Wattleville, Minnesota - 04/12/08 - Guy Stroker, Longtime Reporter

 After more than fifty years of passing herself off as a small-town spinster, a self-proclaimed alien life form has stepped forward to unveil a nefarious, worldwide plot to dominate the planet Earth.

     Bonnie Grupheimer (not her real name) was known as “Dusty” (not her real nickname) to the townspeople of Wattleville who brought their pets to her quaint dog grooming shop, The Laundro-Mutt, at 13681 Main Street, next to the Dairy Queen (not its real location).

“Yeah, I fooled `em but good. The High Command back on my home planet has to understand that the invasion just isn’t working and things are getting a little out of hand down here!” said the husky, salt and pepper brunette as she lit a small brown cigar and blew a thick stream of smoke in the air.

        “The DNA strand replicators and hypothalamus seeding equipment never worked right form the start. That, and a series of very unfortunate coincidences, turned what might have been a swift, brutal, interspecies world domination strategy into a…” 

     Bonnie searched for an appropriate word while continuing to trim the matted fetlocks on a Sheltie with sarcoptic mange, then spit onto the floor and shook her close-cropped head, “ a lifestyle, I guess, is what they’re all calling it.”

     What Ms Grupheimer went on to describe was a plan so insidious that, at first glance, it seemed to be the ravings of a tortured mind. But, upon detailed analysis, I have pieced together the single most subversive blueprint to subjugate all human life as we know it - other than the platform of the Democratic Party!

“I was born on the planet hMus-xHuul (pronouned: hahmus-exshoe-ell), three thousand and nineteen of your years ago, it was.  I was hatched from a Thetan egg that was laid and fertilized long before the beginning of your solar system. It was the only way we hMus-xHuuls could reproduce; laser beams and space-lizard eggs soaked in a foamy liquid that is similar to what you know as flan.”

     “We decided that for hMus-xHuuls to continue to exist, we needed another way to reproduce. After searching hundreds of planets and dozens of advanced civilizations, it was decided that heterosexual Earthlings were the most viable life forms to inhabit, for want of a better word. Wait, occupy is a better word.“

      Bonnie stopped her revelation for a moment to wait on a customer who had a question about worming his Manx. For all intents and purposes, Bonnie looked like any other woman who dresses like the Bounty “paper towel” Lumberjack and needs a fuzz shave. Vena (another fake name), Bonnie’s long-time, live-in, significant-other, room-mate,  wink-wink gal-pal, continued the awesome exposé.

“Our  hMus-xHuul scientists couldn’t get all the nuances of genetic engineering right, so when we landed here, around the time of Cheops, the fetus bodies we took over never developed into fully male or female humans. They were somewhere in between.”

     She went on to say that the offspring who looked like males, but lacked the heterosexual drive were described as “Caiman” after their lizard forebears, while the ones who lacked heterosexual drive and a penis, were known as “Less Beings” by the hMus-xHuuls. These designations were linguistically corrupted over the years into what we today call “Gay men” and “Lesbians” the two largest groups of the hMus-xHuul ex-pat, alien community. The other groups are neutered males, known as "Neuts" who mainly reside in Berkeley and Boulder and "Wimps" who never progress emotionally past the age of nine.

     “Wormy-assed cats and flea spray!  I can’t believe that I’ve sunk to this!”  Bonnie exclaimed as she rang up $13.87 on the shop’s cash register for some urine remover. She looked, for all the world, like any other woman who wears Old Spice, J.C. Penney’s Economy boxers and a huge gaudy Rolex knock-off.

“We were feared in eight galaxies, for Grakssake!  We ate the flesh of dozens of species of sentient beings and stripped the atmosphere from the planets that evolved as far as Country Western music!”, she bellowed, while stripping a terrified Shih Tzu with a nasty-looking fur rake.        “Every one but Earth! “ Vena added smugly.      Bonnie’s face grew bright red. “That’s were it all went down the toilet…” she fumed, “Friggin' Country Western, longneck Buds, chaps and muscle relaxants.  Don’t get me started, Vena.”

     Later, over Stingers at a nearby hMus-xHuul Bar, Vena went on to say that rather than working on the problem of fixing a failed interplanetary coup d'état, the hMus-xHuuls became lazy and complacent. They began producing Country Western music, founded Rock `n Roll, elected Kennedy, embraced Disco, invented Line-Dancing and reaped huge profits from Pukka Shell Jewelry, Styling Gel and Chia Pets. "Do you know who invented Dilaudid suppositories?" she purred.

Bonnie tossed back her drink and farted. “At some point we have to stop dressing like conservationists who’ve never been in a forest.” Vena confided, “After the whole Ellen thing, we need to go to Spiegel or Land’s End or something. Its bad enough I’m not attracted to males, but why do I run into so many other `Less Beings‘ who dress like roadies for the Charlie Daniel’s Band?”

      I asked her about the confusing observation that hMus-xHuul `Caiman’ are not attracted to females, but many of them act or even dress like them to attract other males. Bonnie, full of  Crème de Menthe and vinegar, summed it up.

     “I’ve had it up to my keister with “smooth boys’ and their fascination with drag, public sex, morose melancholia, self-loathing, suicidal behavior and Voguing!  If the invasion is off, I’m outta’ here. You can take dog-grooming and stuff it up your anal gland!  I’m opening a Florist Shop and buying a frigging S.U.V.!”

     “You wouldn’t!” screamed Vena.

     ”You just watch me.” was the reply of a woman who might have controlled the fate of five billion human beings, if Porter Waggoner had never sang with Patsy Cline.

     “You just watch me…”

     The invasion, for the time being, is on hold.

- end -

Submit Comment)                (Read Comments)                     (RSS)