Jumbo Turkey serves 125, takes 8 hours to cook, stuffed with 11 birds

...and a live Kitten!

     Dateline: Port Fungo, LA - 12/16/07 

      For decades, a few simple slices of turkey were all it needed. But now even the

traditional Christmas dinner has been supersized.

     Multi-bird roasts, where different types of bird are stuffed inside a larger one, have become the thing to carve this year - and the more birds involved the better.

     The popular TurDuckEn - often claimed to combine Turkey, Duck and Chicken - is actually Turd, Uck and Entrails, a favorite among trailer park bon vivants with a taste for French, Greek and Dutch divertissements.

     The surge in birds-stuffed-in-a-bird popularity may have something to do with TV chef Hugh Frick-Enkow's creation of a 12 bird roast on his show two years ago. He inadvertently mistook his 12 week-old kitten, Himmler, for one of the birds. The chef had reportedly been drinking so heavily that he only had two options - either cook the huge bird or become an Irish painting contractor.

     He packed an 18lb turkey with a goose, duck, mallard, water fowl, chicken, pheasant, partridge, clay pigeons, a woodcock, a latex-rubber cock and the piteously mewling Himmler.

This massive roast weighs almost 56 pounds (more than the skinny Olsen twin!) costs $750. and has enough meat, gristle and soft tumors to serve 125 people in the U.S. or 1600 Nigerians if someone in that country with a machete was willing to carve up something - other than another Nigerian.

     It contains about 50,000 calories, takes more than eight hours to cook in an industrial oven and squeaks when you stab it with a fork.

    The roast could also contain pheasant, partridge, Pigeon squab, Navy swab, Barbary duck, Donald duck, poussin, possum, Guinea fowl, Guinea bastard, Shoo-Fly Pie and Apple Pan Dowdy.

     Chef Frick-Enkow added: "It takes about 45 minutes to build the roast. However, it takes at least three hours before that to bone the birds.

     "I find that I enjoy boning the birds more since my girlfriend left me. I start out slow, put on some romantic music - Michael Bluble or Sinatra - offer the bird carcass a glass of Cabernet or Merlot and... well, how can I describe it? There's magic in the air...

    "If I could get a hold of a dead Ostrich, I could show you something that'd make your eyes pop out! Stick in a Swan, a Condor, an Albatross and something more picante, like an Emu or a Kiwi and cook the whole thing over a 55-gallon drum of flaming Jack Daniels. Cripes, you'd cum, I swear you would.

     "The Environmental-cases are screwing up a good thing. Next thing you know Pigeons will be right up there with the Bald Eagle - which, by the way, is killer if you deep-fat fry it in a mixture of butter and Valvoline."

     "To put the huge roast to the taste test, we had to take to the Bessemer Steel Furnace factory in Pasadena to cook the mother."

      "I'd happily eat this on Christmas Day. But I found that although the game has some powerful flavors, it's difficult to distinguish-which is which because the flavors mingle together. It would up tasting like cross between chicken and cat box Tootsie Rolls."

     When asked what he would attempt next Christmas, the plucky Chef simply said, "I'm contacting the Japanese embassy to see if I can score some Snow Monkeys."

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