Reality
TV Bites The
Thing That
Feeds It!
“In Network-land,
it’s pants-shitting
time.”
Since
CBS's
"Survivor"
administered
what
could
be
argued
“a
programming
lobotomy”
to
the
American
viewing
public,
network
executives
have
been
eying
Mexican
freeway-exit
orange
salesmen
with
mounting
envy.
“After
50
years
of
perfecting
a
`closed
shop,’
hamstringing
independent
producers,
and
force-feeding
garbage
down
America’s
throat,
Television
City
now
has
to
deal
with
Reality,”
said
Gail
Berman,
president
of
entertainment
for
the
Fox
network,
“and
it’s
not
a
pretty
picture.
Christ!
Just
when
I
fought
my
way
to
the
top
of
the
`good-`ole-boy”
system,
the
bastards
up
and
die
on
me.
God-damned
men!”
Analysts
predict
the
shift
to
Reality
TV
will
drastically
alter
the
economics
of
television.
Network
executives
were
horrorified
as
they
watched
reality
shows
win
15
of
18
half-hour
time
periods
on
Monday,
Tuesday
and
Wednesday
nights.
"The
world
as
we
knew
it
is
over,"
said
Leslie
Moonves,
president
of
CBS
Television,
“We’re
screwed,
blued,
and
tattooed.
Call
the
undertaker,
CBS
is
bleeding
from
its
Big
Brown
Eye
and
all
those
idiots
who
pestered
us
for
work
will
eat
us
alive!
I’m
getting
a
U-Haul
truck
and
moving
my
ass
to a
Central
Valley
farm
and
raise
alpacas.”
|
Fox’s new Reality TV show, “Who Wants To Bang 50 Fat Chicks?” is pulling down astounding Nielsens in West Texas and Oregon. |
Moonves’
desperation
is
based
on
the
fact
that
a
fourteen-year-old
“C”
student
with
a
HandyCam
and
a
group
of
exhibitionist
friends
has
a
better
shot
at
grabbing
an
audience
than
a
major
network
with
a
group
of
$1
million-per-episode
Friends.
American
Idol
drew
25
million
viewers
two
nights
running
by
featuring
recording
artist
nobodies
judged
by
music
Industry
nobodies.
Total
onstage
talent
cost:
$0.00.
This
formula
–
used
to
create
American
Idol,
Bachelorette,
and
Joe
Millionaire
- is
so
impressive
that
some
network
executives
are
preparing
to
beat
Reality
TV
at
its
own
game
by
eliminating
Hollywood
writers,
directors,
actors,
lighting,
make-up,
sound,
editing,
craft
services,
Porta-Potties
and
pay-offs.
|
“There seems to be a vast audience for WWTB50FC’s `Winner-take-all excitement,” said Fox Marketing Chieftess, Ahavno Shaim, “It’s become a kind of a reverse `Pearls Before Swine’ sensation.” |
“How
hard
can
it
be
to
get
a
bunch
of
idiots
to
do
something
stupid,
tape
it
on
the
cheap,
chop
it
up
into
sound
bites,
and
sell
the
living
shit
out
of
it?”
said
Jeff
Zucker,
the
president
of
NBC
Entertainment,
“That’s
what
we
do
best!
Right
now,
we’re
developing
eight
to
ten
Reality
TV
ideas
a
day
at
NBC!”
Among
NBC’s
fall
line-up
are:
-
Tell The Tail! where small towns compete against each other for cash by eating only horse rectums
-
Scratch Golf Gals where women golfers compete to win luxury vacations while wearing only lice-infested bras and thongs
-
Crotch Patrol where blindfolded men can win a HumVee if they can identify a male celebrity by hefting his “package”
-
Throne For A Loop where contestants attempt to complete a basketball free-throw while seated on a center court toilet
-
end
-
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