Colorado
Governor Ritter, his substantial double chin and droopy
cheek wattles freshly scrubbed and powdered for yesterday's
Press conference, took a break from his weekly Democrat
Smorgasbord Potluck fundraiser to remind Coloradoans 18% of
them are "so fat, their sweat is speeding up Global
Warming."
Kaiser Permanente has promised to accept $16 million of
Colorado's hard-earned tax money to set up emergency
programs to cut the state's skyrocketing rates of
short-winded children, pants splitting and general
tubbiness.
Coloradoans rank first among the
U.S.'s "most likely to leave their top pants button undone
or wear loose elastic waistband sweats and still have
a noticeable "muffintop."
Kaiser's
first program is to set up a treadmill at Imagine, a
Broomfield hair Salon where people are encouraged to run,
sweat like pig and fart while waiting for their cut, dye and
perm. Kaiser (world-famous for their sandwich rolls!
) passed out cheap Chinese pedometers to any bluehair who
can no longer squeeze into her "Run For The Cure"
XXXL t-shirt or stretch muu-muu.
This back-scratching,
wink-wink handout to the multi-billion dollar
Healthcare provider may have some inherent flaws. Given
Colorado's nearly 20% obesity rate among its 5 million
residents (not counting all the mucho gordo illegals)
Ritter's $16 million grant works out to $18.27 per CO
Chub - that is, if Kaiser handles all the purchasing and
distribution for free and if their C-level execs don't take
their usual skim off the top.
$18.67
is just a few cents more than a a day's worth of Jenny Craig
bagfood such as Chicken Tetracycline or Grilled Crappy
filet.
"Blubbernor Bill" - as The Denver Big & Tall Shop salesmen
refer to him - had another startling announcement for the
assembled reporters and Dem free-lunch moochers. "Increased
airborne body odors from inconsiderate fatsos are
simultaneously killing Colorado's tourism and making
Boulder the #1 methane-producing community in fly-over
country.
"We
have a double problem up there: Obesity and a B.O.
City."
Several Boulder Feminists tried to express their outrage at
his remarks, but one of them had made the mistake of
bringing along a huge Tupperware bucket of Rice
Krispie Marshmallow Treats. This effectively silenced the
Flannelshirts until they could find a few gallons of organic
milk and quick-acting stool softeners.
Ritter also vowed to get to the
bottom of Denver's Fat Homeless problem, citing the blimpy
street-scam artists that seem to have popped up everywhere.
"I saw an obese, bedraggled woman holding a sign on the 16th
Street Mall that read, 'Will do anything for Hollandaise
Sauce'".
"If
we can't solve both the Fat and Homeless problems, let's at
least have slim and trim bums on the streets when the
Democratic Convention begins next year. I don't want Denver
to look physically OR politically incorrect."
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