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Transgendered Pet Owners
Opt
For Trans-Species Pets
Dateline: Del Mar, San Diego
-
12/16/07
If
you have ever imagined
that your kitten would
protect you during a
bloody home invasion
robbery, or that your
German Shepherd would
look cute with a big
pink bow and a ball of
yarn, your dreams may
come true.
Using a variation on
popular “sexual
re-assignment” surgical
techniques that have
turned thousands of
burly men into burly
babes, and a like number
of burly gals into dudes
sans burls,
amateur veterinary
experimenters are mixing
and matching pet parts
to create “ani-malgams”
that allow animals to
express their “true
inner critter.”
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Wonderella
Playskojl
and
her
long-
while
co-
partner
Stanley
Steemore
prefer
house
pets
that
are
in
touch
with
their
“inner
other”
animal.
Transspecies
“catdog”
Ouchy
is
an
example
of
the
current
trend
of
Pet
Modification
extolled
by
Human
Companion
Honcho
Gene
Shepard,“Poops
in
the
box,
scares
the
shit
out
of
Honduran
landscapers.
What
more
do
you
want
from
a
pet?”
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“I have hundred
of orders for
catdogs,
hamsterbirds,
crabguppies,
and
assweasels –
a tricky combo
of donkey and
ferret,”
announced Dr. S.
Paynudah, head
of U.C.
Berkeley’s
Freestyle
Surgery Team,
“The results
have been
remarkable. Over
55% of trans-specied
animals still
attempt to breed
with their
original
species. The
other 45% resist
same-species
sex, but are
amenable to
heavy petting.”
Surprisingly the
preponderance of
inter-species research
is conducted in Israel.
“We have been mixing
species for years.”
bragged Menache Onhalvah,
a Mammal Mixologist in
Haifa, “We have Penguins
that weigh 200 kilos,
have four feet, a curly
tail, and oink. Sounds
odd, but let me tell
you, they barbecue up
like you wouldn’t
believe!
The American public has
been slow to accept
transspecied pets, but
the tide is turning. In
San Diego, Wonderella
Playskojl and Stanley
Steemore have combined
their purebred
Abyssinian with an
animal shelter stray
German Shepherd to
create Ouchy,
a, 85 pound cat that
obeys attack commands.
“Ouch is such a
grouch!” complained
Stanley, while
recuperating from a
savage mauling by the
catdog mere days before
this interview. “All I
did was try to fill the
feeding dish while he
was eating.”
“Look on the bright
side,” cooed Stanley’s
partner Wonderella,
“Given what he bit off,
you can speed up your
gender re-assignment
surgery by months.”
Wonderella, the former
Hank Burpelson, said she
has plans for their
rabbit, Snuffs,
“as soon as I can find a
Blue-Tongued Skink.”
Interspecies animals
have, until recently,
been confined to Top
Secret government
experiments, Ray
Harryhausen movies,
off-brand comic books,
and Twilight Zone
episodes. But with the
increased availability
of bioengineering
equipment and an
avalanche of unwanted
pets, many alternative
couples are using
alternative methods to
create “Alterna-Pets.”
“Imagine crossing a
snake with a chicken,”
piped up Wonderella,
“I’d have every Aztec/La
Raza smoothboy in
California lining up to
pet my lizard.”
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