Interviewed Tuesday for Charlie Rose's PBS show, CNN founder Ted Turner argued that unless the world "stops stalling and starts stopping global warming" it will be the "beginning of the end for my vast cattle fortune"  and that those who don't die an agonizing, lingering death “will turn to cannibalism and French Fries.”  Turner later admitted that he's "rounding up heavyset breeder Americans with nicely-marbled muscles and "tender nuggets."

     Mr. Turner stopped the interview several times to breathe nitrous oxide from a canister he wears on his belt.

"No carbon credits will be catastrophic... like a khaki sweatband. Eight degrees in ten, not ten, but crumpled wax-paper bonnets. None of the crops will pivot, quack like a duck or what? Most people died and have cannibalism with small side salad and iced-tea. Does anyone have some gum?"

      He also described Muslim suicide bombers insurgents as “a swell bunch of guys” who simply “express their patriotism through terror instead of baseball.”

     “If the insurgents were in Washington, D.C., we'd be able to talk to them and find out how we can make them happy. It's a not a military problem, it's a management problem."

“China just wants to sell us shoes. They're little people, afraid of offending others...no, wait that's the Japs... the Chinese  are the ones with firecrackers. But even with our  military budget, we can't win in Iraq. We're being beaten by insurgents who don't use toilet paper.”  Rose asked Turner if his comments were "an April Fool's joke" Turner answered, "April who?"

TURNER: I also said the world doesn't make any sense anymore. We need to cut the military budgets back, buy Soy milk and hang onto plastic grocery bags.

ROSE: How much do you want to cut the military budgets back?

TURNER: Right now the U.S. is spending $500 billion a year on the military. Russia wants to be our friend, and the Chinese are planning a big surprise party for us next 4th of July. I'd cut the military budget back to a few thousand bucks and make the "all-volunteer" Army really "volunteer."

ROSE: Well, wait a minute. No, no, no.

TURNER: Well I know about the Chinese because I own a couple of Oriental fast-food chains and I talk with the managers all the time. Salt of the Earth.

ROSE: You're telling me the Chinese military budget is not increasing? Is that what you're saying? (AT THIS POINT, CHARLIE BROUGHT OUT HIS OWN NITROUS CANISTER ) TURNER: I think a lot. I spend a lot of time thinking. Sometimes I think so hard that the television turns on and off by itself. I have daydreams at night! How's that?

(ROSE'S EYES ROLL BACK)

TURNER: You know, Army Ants don't have tanks, they don't have a headquarters, they don't even have a Pentagon. They don't even have Generals.

ROSE: They play havoc at picnics, though...

TURNER: Well, that's right. That's exactly right. Have another hit.

(ROSE TAKES ANOTHER LUNGFUL OF GAS)

ROSE: Do Army Ants have wings or is that termites?

TURNER: I think that they're patriots and that they don't like us because we've invaded their country and occupied it. Did I tell you that my wife Jane can still pick up a soda bottle with her flapper? Hell, she could probably open the damn thing.

ROSE: Nobody likes to be occupied.

TURNER: Tell that to the Mrs. She's like a wood chipper. You toss the log in and two shakes later she's ready for another. We have this Guatemalan Pool Boy we call "The Smiling Tripod."...

ROSE: What else have I been dead wrong about during my 17 years as an interviewer and Platinum member of the Diner's Club?

TURNER: I am absolutely convinced that the North Koreans are absolutely sincere. There’s absolutely no reason for them to make nukes. I looked them right in their slanty little, beady eyes. And they looked like they meant the truth. I mean, you know, just because somebody’s done something wrong in the past doesn’t mean they can’t do right in the future or the present. Look at Jeffrey Dahmer."

(ROSE TAKES ANOTHER HIT AND A MINIATURE WOLF BLITZER APPEARS ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF HIM)

BLITZER: "But Kim Jong-Il is one of the worst men on Earth.

TURNER: Well, I didn’t meet him, but he didn’t look — in the pictures that I’ve seen of him, he didn’t look too much different than most other people I’ve met. I suppose you've never starved millions or aimed 37,000 weapons at your neighbor?

BLITZER: Ted, I'm just a figment of your fevered brain.

(BLITZER DISAPPEARS IN A PUFF OF SMOKE, ROSE FALLS ONTO THE FLOOR AND TURNER GRABS HIS NITROUS CANISTER.)

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